I recently construe a conjoin of investigate about the differences in recovery by marital status and gender. The bind was based on an 8-year follow-up of populate who had completed treatment for alcoholism and/or addiction. The findings were intriguing. Married men were more likely to remain clean and alter than unmarried men. On the other hand it was unmarried women who were more likely to still be alter and alter after 8 years (married women actually had a higher rate of abstinence after one year of recovery but more married than unmarried women failed to remain abstinent over the 8 year period.) The authors of the article said the finding was unexpected and were at a loss for the explanation. Based on my observations both in 12-Step meetings and in my work as a couples therapist. I evaluate move of the cerebrate for these findings has to do with how sexuality affects men and women differently in recovery. I undergo come to accept that the majority of men who are addicted to alcohol or other substances are also sex addicts. Whether it be obsessive viewing of online pornography back up trips to take clubs,repeated encounters with prostitutes compulsive masturbation or continuing "womanizing," we alcoholic/addict men are prone to act out sexually in ways that are risky for both our sobriety and our chances of developing and maintaining healthy satisfying relationships. My client George is a good example. George sobered up about six years ago. He was married at the time but the marriage was in bad shape both because of George's drinking and his habit of going to strip clubs to drink. After he sobered up. George stopped going to strip clubs because of the threat to his sobriety; but he soon discovered Internet pornography and spent an increasing amount of his late evening time at home masturbating while viewing Internet pornography. About two years into his recovery. George's wife announced she was divorcing him because of his obsession with online pornography. George came very close to picking up a drink after his wife left but was able to stay sober with the give of his support and the friends he had made in AA. Despite the failure of the marriage. George was initially unwilling to admit he was addicted to online pornography. He insisted it was harmless and something "all guys do altho they may not talk about it." He got involved in several short-term relationships after the divorce but they didn't create into anything significant. About two years ago. George came to see me for counseling for help with his seeming inability to find the "right" woman. Eventually George admitted that his use of pornography and his compulsive masturbation were signs of a sexual addiction and he began to be SA meetings. It took awhile but he finally was able to forbid viewing pornography and to let go of the compulsive masturbation that went along with it. And then about six months ago George met Bridget through a mutual friend. They hit it off and soon began seeing a lot of each other. George says he is experiencing the kind of emotional and sexual intimacy with Bridget he has always longed for and he is alter that going approve to Internet pornography would seriously damage their relationship. But a few weeks ago. Bridget left town to pay a few weeks with her seriously ill care and George reports that he is struggling not to go back online and just "analyse out" a few pornography sites. As we explored what was underneath his desire to analyse out some pornography sites. George became aware of how much he misses Bridget and how lonely he feels without her presence. He was able to cerebrate those feelings with the loneliness he entangle during most of his childhood with a create who was always working and a care who drank alcoholically as a way of medicating her own feelings of loneliness. George said he discovered by the age of 10 that masturbation could make those lonely feelings go away and that eventually he no longer noticed his loneliness and desire for emotional connection. He also said that in the past he wouldn't change surface undergo been aware of missing Bridget his attitude being basically one of "out of sight out of mind"--which was probably literally true for him. So far I undergo never met an alcoholic or addicted man who grew up in a warm loving family with a obtain attachment to his parents. Although I have heard men in recovery make generalized statements about having had a happy childhood or having grown up in a good family they either are not able to furnish specific examples of what made their childhood family a happy loving one or they adjudge not feeling very attached to their family when they were children. Not having met any men in recovery who grew up in loving supportive families doesn't mean they do not exist; but they are definitely in the minority of those who create the disease of alcoholism or addiction.. More importantly. I undergo heard far more men in recovery talk about growing up in families with alcoholic/addicted parents angry hostile parents punitive parents unavailable parents. Thus it is no surprise that most of the men I have known in recovery could be classified as having an avoidant attachment call. Having an avoidant attachment style means not being aware of a longing for emotional connection or minimizing its importance. But all of us are born with the wish to be closely connected to someone so a lack of awareness of such a need as an adult does not mean an absence of such a need. Add to that the fact that many many men view sex as a way to get change state and it makes comprehend that many of us who are alcoholics and/or addicts become obsessed with sex in one create or another as either a way to connect at least briefly or as a way to anesthetize our feelings of loneliness and longing for connection. If we are going to find our way to a obtain healthy mutually satisfying relationship in recovery we must act a be at our sexual attitudes and behaviors to see where they create relationship problems. Lastly. I undergo go to believe that one of the reasons that marriage or a "new like arouse" (Vaillant) greatly enhances the chances for long-term sobriety for men is the way a happy intimate relationship takes away many of the reasons we become alcoholics or addicts in the first place. A partner whom we trust and like provides us with the kind of emotional connection that most of us lacked during our childhoods and the years we were drinking and using. Although we may have married someone before we got into recovery who could have provided that kind of connection our drinking and using bring about us to behave in ways that seriously disrupted the relationship. It is only when we are clean and alter and willing to do the necessary work to heal and sustain a marriage that we collect the benefits of marriage to our sobriety.
Related article:
http://relationshipsinrecovery.blogspot.com/2007/10/gender-part-one-gender-in-recovery-part.html
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