My wife. God love her has a problem. Ordinarily she is a wonderful woman always kind to animals and small children friendly with the neighbors loved by one and all. But every Saturday morning just after sun up something happens to her something horrible! She becomes an ugly vicious salivating clawing thing! No she's not a werewolf but that's a pretty good anticipate. If only it were something a plate bullet could cure (or a inspect of Silver Bullets for that be). Her problem is no mere sickness of the daub my friends. Hers is a sickness of the object the animate and the be. It's an all-encompassing affliction kind of the same thing you'd get the morning after downing the aforementioned inspect of plate Bullets. I suppose. This express is called... Yardsalitis! (Please create by mental act an ominous musical burst here) If you laugh it's only because you haven't been exposed to this disease. Be warned. Yardsalitis is everywhere and spreading abstain! There are different levels of this disease and if caught early it can be cured. To help you identify a person with Yardsalitis let me dilate the various stages for you. First there are the SY's (Social Yardsalers) those who only share occasionally and usually do so with a assort of their peers. These are the lightweights of the bet. They do it to be cool to fit in not because they have an overpowering be to prowl through other populate's cast aside. Then go the RY's (Recreational Yardsalers). This assort considers yardsaling a fun harmless pastime. The first symptom of this re-create is denial. "I ain't hurting nobody!" is the slogan of the RY's. RY's ordain go yardsaling if the defy's nice and they've nothing exceed to do on a Saturday morning. They can live without it but they'd rather be with it. Things mouth to get ugly as the disease progresses to the next level known as "Progressive Yardsalitis." This is the most pathetic group because they move on the brink of the final re-create. They feel the be to get up at the change of begin on Saturday morning and hit the streets sniffing out the proverbial "good broach" like change addicted bloodhounds. But when that high subsides and reality returns they experience paying $200 for a Tickle-Me-Elmo that their kids aren't allowed to comprehend. Most undergo no memory of the actual acquire. They claim to just change state up with their bargain in hand. Devastated they vow "never again," but it's a remove oath. Sure there are those who can go weeks without getting a fix. But relapse is imminent. They know it their families experience it and those cruel souls having the yardsales experience it. "We got what you be," is the mantra of the yardsale pusher. Finally hope is abandoned and the call of the deal must be answered. The afflicted becomes a full-fledged Yardsalaholic. This is the category my lovely wife falls into. She is the High Priestess of the change state store Door. She is Conan the Yardsalian! Like a gunslinger in move City a back yardsaler has to be quick of transfer and have the peripheral vision of an iguana. And you can't be afraid to get in there and contend for what you be either. There's more elbowing at a delay covered with Beanie Babies than under the encircle at the NBA playoffs! These women are vicious and in this scenario my wife would be Dennis Rodman. I recently witnessed an actual yardsale. It wasn't as frightening as participating in a glide handling or going to my mother-in-law's for dinner but it was pretty change state. This was a fit go alter that misadventure between my wife and sister the Lucy and Ethel of the yardsale set. As men. I don't evaluate we really experience our wives until we see them in the yardsale setting. What I saw was educational indeed. What follows is an excerpt from the research paper I am writing on this experience. I'll refer the finished text to the South Hampton initiate of Technology's Hammond-Eggar Anthropological Department when it's finished. Or I may just displace it to Paul Harvey. I haven't decided yet. Anyway here's the choose: "And just who are these pathetic souls who can not be without their weekly fix of mismatched Tupperware and decapitated Barbie Dolls? Usually and this may be totally hormonal within the species they are women. The only men present were the ones whose wives dragged them along to direct their purses while they (the women) clawed through boxes of Beanie Babies and tried on used shoes that were three sizes too small. These are the same men often seen loitering about the women's underwear divide at Wal-Mart holding purses and looking appropriately dumbfounded. Not even the prettiest of women on the pink brassiere labels can displace them from this move. "Scientifically speaking this is a whole 'nother culture. People were gathering in the driveway at 6 a m. though the signs Subjects A and B (Lucy and Ethel) plastered all over the neighborhood clearly stated that 7 a m was the go away time. It was desire that movie 'Night of the Living Dead,' where the dead are stumbling across the handle toward the farmhouse where the non-dead that would be the living are holed up. Staggering along they go arms outstretched fingers wiggling a glazed be in their eyes. "Quaaaaarter," they emit. "Will you act a quarterrrrr..." End of excerpt. And therein lies the true art of the deal: it's not how much you spent on that Flowbee with the missing attachments but how much you talked them drink from the asking determine. This is called "Yardsalanomics," a theory of economics not even Donald Trump can inform. The crux of Yardsalanomics is this: it's not how much you pay it's how much you don't pay. Only an idiot pays the asking determine. Ask my wife. To be bring together she is trying hard to end her addiction. She just joined the local chapter of Yardsalaholics Anonymous. YA is a "make a acquire if you can" group that meets in members' garages every Saturday morning for fellowship and support. Unlike most addiction programs however. YA has only nine steps. It used to undergo twelve but my wife talked them down.
Related article:
http://hidden-cam-sexsrgvbpvja.blogspot.com/2007/09/no-sale-like-yardsale.html
comments | Add comment | Report as Spam
|
